March

I always dread the of end of February and March. It brings back so many memories that I wish I could forget. It was the beginning of the end for my mom and my grandfather. Both died around the same time from the same disease. It reminds me of hospitals, waiting, and death. I wish I could just skip over them, but then I have to skip over all the wonderful things March brings. It is the month that I started dating my husband, coincidentially, right after visiting my mothers grave for the 1st day. I remember sitting there talking to her and telling her about my life and Anthony and told her that I was ready for the next step. I was ready to find that "someone". 4 days later was my first date with Brian. 12 years later and we are still going strong!! Two of my babies are both born in March. I even was in labor with Nick on the 23rd, the anniversary of her death. Even though Anthony wasn't born in March, I found out that I was pregnant with him right after she passed and he was born 9 months to the day she passed. When he was little, he would tell me he had an angel that watch cartoons with him. I could only belive it was her. I started to think, could all of this be conicendence or was it her? Did she know how hard being without her would be and how hard each March would be. I couldn't wallow in grief right after she died because I was going to be a mother of my own and how could I hate March so much when so much good is there. Even in death, she was gifted me all these wonderful things. Even though she is not in our daily lives the way I wished she would be, she is still here. She is still caring and watching over us. My boys feel it too and that makes me feel good. They never got to meet their grandmother,but just knowing they have an angel watching over them is amazing. March will always be bittersweet, but the scales are tilting more happy that sad these days and for that I am so grateful to her. As we approach 16 years of her passing, all I can say is that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and I hope I make her proud. I look to her to be the person, wife, and mother I am today. I will love her always and look forward to seeing those yellow butterflies returning :)