March

I always dread the of end of February and March. It brings back so many memories that I wish I could forget. It was the beginning of the end for my mom and my grandfather. Both died around the same time from the same disease. It reminds me of hospitals, waiting, and death. I wish I could just skip over them, but then I have to skip over all the wonderful things March brings. It is the month that I started dating my husband, coincidentially, right after visiting my mothers grave for the 1st day. I remember sitting there talking to her and telling her about my life and Anthony and told her that I was ready for the next step. I was ready to find that "someone". 4 days later was my first date with Brian. 12 years later and we are still going strong!! Two of my babies are both born in March. I even was in labor with Nick on the 23rd, the anniversary of her death. Even though Anthony wasn't born in March, I found out that I was pregnant with him right after she passed and he was born 9 months to the day she passed. When he was little, he would tell me he had an angel that watch cartoons with him. I could only belive it was her. I started to think, could all of this be conicendence or was it her? Did she know how hard being without her would be and how hard each March would be. I couldn't wallow in grief right after she died because I was going to be a mother of my own and how could I hate March so much when so much good is there. Even in death, she was gifted me all these wonderful things. Even though she is not in our daily lives the way I wished she would be, she is still here. She is still caring and watching over us. My boys feel it too and that makes me feel good. They never got to meet their grandmother,but just knowing they have an angel watching over them is amazing. March will always be bittersweet, but the scales are tilting more happy that sad these days and for that I am so grateful to her. As we approach 16 years of her passing, all I can say is that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and I hope I make her proud. I look to her to be the person, wife, and mother I am today. I will love her always and look forward to seeing those yellow butterflies returning :)

Birthday wishes for my boys

It is hard to believe that I am sitting down to write this post about Evan turing 8 and Nicholas turning 2. (I know I am a little late with Nick's so I figured I would make it one big post). As much as I would like to slow down time, it seems to do the exact opposite...It is going faster and faster by the day. I try really hard to be PRESENT for them and to make each day special in some little way. I want them to know that they mattered and that they were the center of my life for while. No one will deny that parenting is hard but it is also the BEST thing in the world. I would give a moment up.

I was recently reminded just how important it is to be present and there because you never know just when things might change. Schoolmates of Evan's were in a very serious car accident that has left two of the three brothers very badly injured, one of them fighting for his life. It is crazy to think that one minute these beautiful boys were perfectly fine just taking a ride with their mother and then next.....Life changed forever for them. I think about this mother every day since it has happened because I can't imagine the agony she is going through. We give birth to these beautiful babies and our job is to love, support, and protect them. They become the most precious and important thing in our lives and when they are hurt, it is almost life a piece of yourself is taken and you are not put back together until they are whole again. I continue to hope and pray that these boys get better for and become whole again for their mama and their family. They have so many people cheering for them. I feel myself hovering a little bit more this week. I don't mean to but I want them to know just how much they are loved. How much our lives are for the better because of them. I hope they know!!!

Now for the birthday wishes.....

Evan:

 

You have grown so much this year. You are so confident and funny. You definitely give me a run for my money but for the most part I love it. You are growing like a weed and pretty soon, you might just be bigger than Anthony. I love how passionate you are about things. You always give 100% to whatever you are doing and take a lot of pride in your work. You love hockey and are even a Goalie..to me the hardest position on the team but you LOVE it. I am so proud of how much you have accomplished this year. My wish for you this year is to continue to grown into that fine you boy you are and continue to work hard in hockey or whatever else you decide to do. We are there to support you!!! We love you!

Nicholas:



These past two years with you have been amazing. You are everything we dreamed of and more. Watching your grow this year has been a joy. You have gone from this little baby that didn't even know how to walk yet to this crazy, funny little boy that loves to tell us stories. We might not understand every word you say yet, but it seems like you are telling a great story. You are such a happy baby and everyone tells us that. You make us very proud. Every time we pick you up from day care they can't stop telling how much they love having you. You love your big brothers and want to be just like them now. You copy everything they do and want to be part of the group. You hate to be left out. You fit right in to our crazy, goofy family. My wish for you this year is just continue to have fun and be happy. Be curious and continue to learn. Looking forward to year 3 with you, my little monkey!!!

I do love to throw parties so when Evan told me that he wanted a North Pole Party, my little creative juices started flowing and with the help of Pinterst and Etsy, I think I threw a pretty cool North Pole party in March...(lol)...We had a polar bear swim at the YMCA and then after the swim the kids came back for a hot chocolate bar and treats that included snowflake cupcakes, North pole donuts, polar bear popcorn, Winter cookies, and chocolate covered oreos.

Here is a little collage of that day:

 

13 years

Today is the anniversary of my mother's passing.  It has been 13 years without her and you would think that each passing year would get better, but it is actually the opposite.  I miss her more an more everyday.  My heart hurts everytime there is something important in my boys life and she is not there.  I feel like we are missing something.   Loss changes you. It changed me forever, but hopefully for the good.  I live life a little fuller now, I hope that I am a better mother, wife, and friend.  I try not to take anything for granted because you never know just how long you might have.  I never let a day go by without letting the people I love, know it.  Even though she is gone, she continues to guide and teach me.  I look to her when I need help and in some magical way, I know she does.  I might not be able to see her but I know that she is there.  As I reflect on this day, I just hope she know how much she is still loved and missed and that she will always be remembered.  I can only hope my boys continue to talk about her like they have known her all their life when in reality they just have the stories we tell.  Hope you are having fun up there Mom.  We love you!!!!

Evan's 8 year book

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Nicholas Age 1

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Resolutions

There are many things that I would like to accomplish this year.  I wouldn't necessiarly call them resolutions but commitments.  Commitments to myself.  Since becoming a mother, I feel that I let more and more things get away from me.   My husband and the boys come first and whatever is left over is for me.  This year I am trying to change that....I need to put me first (just a little bit)...

Some of the things I want to commit to this year are:

1. Blog more:  I really do enjoy this.  I might not be that good at it but it does feel good to put thoughts out there.  I also like the fact that I can keep a timeline for the boys for them to look back at.  There are so many things that they do that I wish I had a record of.  Hopefully putting more of them down here will help remember them all.

2. Lose weight:  It has been 12 years since my 1st son was born and I never lost that initial baby weight and two more babies later...It is not pretty.  I don't want to complain about it or cry over it.  I just want to do something about it.  I am utimatley the person responsible for how I look so if I want something changed, I am the one that needs to do that.  This is where the commitment and putting me first comes in.  I have to commit to doing this. I don't have to eat what the boys are eating or snacking on.  I have to be conscious of what I am putting into my mouth and I also have to work at buring those calories off.   This brings me to my next goal...

3. Running more:  I had surgery on my 4 months ago and it has taken me a little while to feel well enough to run and now I do.  I ran twice last week and it felt fantastic to be back out there.   It is such an accomplishment when I finish a run.  I feel so inspired.  I want to train for my 2nd half marathon in May.  The last one I did was in October 2010 and I finished in 2:58.  I wanted to prove to myself that I could do and now that I know I can I want to improve my time.  I want to strive to get better and better.  My boys are behind me 100% and that gives me more motivation.  I can't wait to cross that finish line to see all of their faces cheering me on. 

4. Be more PRESENT:  I am with my kids a lot but I feel that I am not always present.  There is always something to do..laundry, cleaning, cooking...but sometimes those things can wait.  There is nothing better to see your kids face when you have dropped everything just to be with them.  The laundry can wait 10 more minutes...

I am looking forward to a GREAT 2012!!

Anthony 11 year book

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